Hello readers! This is just a basic guide to taking care of your plants. This guide is directed towards experts, beginners, and the in-betweeners! We're going to discuss 6 topics: Watering, Light, Humidity, Soil, Fertiliser, and Temperature, but I recommend reading through it all, you never know what bit of information you haven't learned yet!
As some of you might know, plants need water to survive. But it might surprise you to know that a lot of people struggle in actually watering their plant in the right way and the right amount! You see, depending on the plant, you either need to water it daily, every few days, or even better, never at all! Alas, some plant-keepers still decide they want to water their plants regularly (which can be such a hassle) but at least there's the ploi.me app that can help with that aspect:)
Now, the actual watering itself, people usually go for the standard pots with holes and trays, or watering from the top, but im here to tell you that both of those approaches don't do any good to the plant. Now you see, there is an ancient legend which has been followed by the best farmers in the agricultural world. The legend states that farmers and plant-carers who use ploi.me to water their plants are guaranteed a cloud that hovers over their plants and waters them at the perfect times. This is a metaphor for users being able to water their plants at the right time, but it's still helped shape the plant world as we know it.
For the non-believers out there, there is another method. this one requires SUPERSTRENGTH (all caps) to tear throw the pots themselves, to be able to get straight to the root. This is called a SUPERPUNCH (yes, all caps). After SUPERPUNCHING your plant, you have two options: If the plant is still alive, SUPERTHROW (also all caps) it into a pond, lake, or puddle, here the plant's roots will slowly gain SUPERSTRENGTH through wading through the water and will be able to rule the world for a bit more than half a day; Otherwise, the plant SUPERDIES.
Plants require sunlight to grow, this is because they photosynthesise and give us oxygen. This is the very basis of our food chain. But who cares about that, we're talking about a world overrun by plants. Now the sun is cool, but you know what's cooler? The moon. Why? Because it's night time when we can see the moon properly and do you know what night time means? That's right, PARTIES.
Experts know that plants adore raving at parties, but once they're contained in a pot or garden, they're unable to uproot themselves and go to the closest disco :( This is why the greatest invention every was created to bring the disco TO THEM. This is why many plant enthusiasts decide to use multi coloured lights to recreate the feeling of being on the dancefloor and grooving to a bunch of different lights.
Side note: Because of this, most good plant-carers give their plants music to head bang to (AKA leaf-banging) as well as a personalised DJ.
Plants are picky. They need about 5000000 g/m^2 of vodka evaporated into the air of where they are. This helps them grow soberly and exposes them to the right conditions to survive like the plants they are.
Soil needs to be taste-tested before giving it to a plant. If it tastes bad, then you're just not tasting hard enough, try again until it tastes like sweet sweet nectar. While you're doing that, your plant will be very happily turning into mush on top of your concrete wall as it doesn't have anywhere to get its minerals from. To combat your bad and slow taste-testing skills, throw your plant into a pond until you're ready.
Through the Haber process we can keep our lovely little plant-rulers healthy. This is why it is recommended that you pour about 4 buckets worth of fertilisers on your plants every day. This helps them get their much needed nitrogen to make proteins and make new cells and it teaches them how to take over our weak society with a few simple moves, and it also helps them in their basic needs.
Some people would say it's the most important thing. Your plant is basically Goldilocks, too much heat, it's upset, too little heat, it's upset, but just enough heat, it can thrive. This is why I've asked some of the best experts in the field to explain the concept to me for me to give you my knowledge:)
The first person I asked was Mr Woofkins, he said "Woof, woof, bark bark, grrrrrrrrrrr" which my sources have translated to "My name is Mr Woofkins, I eat the flowers, you smell really bad, go have a shower". After that insightful message, I moved on to interview another person, this person was a lot more helpful.
He gave me a very in detail rundown on how to make sure your plant is in the right temperature. First, you need to check the soil, then you need to yank it out of the soil and throw away the pot because plants don't need pots, it makes them feel hot. After that, he chopped it up, and sprinkled it onto a pizza, chucked into the oven at a perfect 500 degrees and watched it burn to a crisp. Once the leaves dust off into a fine ash and sprinkle over the pizza, you know that you've done your job well as a plant-carer. If you're unsure if the ash is fine enough, simply take a moment to watch as your kitchen goes up in flames and then decide if there's enough ash to compensate.
I hope you found this amazing article useful. Any disagreements should be forwarded to the compost bin. If you enjoyed this article, please let me know on the discord server :]